Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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