Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We're too hungover to prance.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
