I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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