I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
