New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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