that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
