I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
