Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
