At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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