Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize