Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
