My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
