I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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