Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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