Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize