The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
