i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize