I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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