I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
