I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Reggie can tackle my bush.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
