I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize