I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
