she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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