You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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