you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
