I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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