bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize