I met the friendliest cop last night
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
