i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
