I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
