he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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