Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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