a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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