Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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