and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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