How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
