Swine flu. Run for my life!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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