Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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