I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just want nice things and good sex
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
