I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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