I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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