so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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