I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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