Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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