remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
