I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
