btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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