So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
