eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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