dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
