when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
