last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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