there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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