just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
