You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
