Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I love having hate sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
