At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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