"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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